Tag Archives: orgasm

Carla Drift – Years of Flourishing 2


Suddenly at the beginning of my first spring in Delft, my great love came in my life. I turned around and there he stood. A friendly smile in a moon face, with a lot of blonde curls. I opened my mouth in surprise and his smile became much larger; I started to laugh. He studied architecture, was several months younger and he lived on the other side of the city. It seemed like we knew each other for ages. He invited me to drink coffee together – I invited him to dinner after my rowing training. In the evening we visited an organ concert in the “Nieuwe Kerk” in Delft with music of Johann Sebastian Bach.

[1]

After a few drinks in the “Waag” [2] we said goodbye; two days later he would come to me for dinner.

At the beginning of that night I could not sleep; I felt tingling all over my body. In the middle of the night I fell asleep. The following two days I felt myself floating; everywhere I went, I felt a warm glow around me. At the beginning of the evening I prepared my best meal; he had a bottle of wine with him – I sinned against my rowing training. Long dining with lots of talk and laughter and during the preparation of the dessert he laid his hand on my shoulder, I turned to him and smiled happily. After finishing diner, we listened music and kissed. Everything was familiar, our hands and tongues found their way by themselves: experience of a lifetime of many millions of years.

[3]

We slept in my bed – spoonwise – underwear still on. The following afternoon he went on study trip for one week; before his departure we promised to meet again a week later.

This week I used to explore my body and to get the contraceptive pill. Better not to play hide and seek on this point. As the oldest, I preferred a small advantage: some control over the intimacy between both of us. From the library I borrowed several books about physical intimacy. In a few evenings I found out what I certainly liked – after some tries, I discovered that orgasm [4] seemed to me like making turns while biking – the rest would follow later.

A week later after the rowing training, I was waiting for him at the beginning of the evening. He beamed when he saw me. We went to his room. He slept while I ate my dinner. I read in his books about architecture: Ernst Neufert-Architects ‘ Data and some books about the American architect Frank Lloyd Wright. By the end of the evening I woke him; he looked sweet and vulnerable. I put up a record and I laid myself next to him. Slowly we merged together on the flow of the music. A number of times I was completely one with everything. I felt an infinite love; a transcendence of the “I”. Later we slept for a few hours. The next morning I sang while I made breakfast for us. We lived alternately in each other’s room. That spring, summer and autumn lit up in a golden glow. In addition there were the necessary practical matters: study, rowing, holiday, meeting each other’s family. And, of course, living together with other students.

Around my rowing, we went away on weekends – camping in Belgium, staying with friends in other cities, visiting musea and buildings.

During Ascension we stayed at my parents in South Limburg. We met my primary school boyfriend. He mentioned that he had fallen in love with a female school friend. The next day we met her. She was very surprised to see my great love and me together. She thought that I had a relation with my primary school boyfriend – she really liked him. At Pentecost we invited them both in Delft. That was the beginning of their later marriage.

[5]

The summer holidays, the four of us moved through Europe by train. A carefree summer.

Around the autumn holiday his attention for me diminished; it first showed with small things. There was a small forgetfulness – for example: an appointment for a weekend away coincided with another appointment – may happen. Then I felt increasingly in all kinds of gestures, that our fully togetherness was no longer mutual. Not much later he asked for more freedom and he soon fell in love with another fellow female student. This transition took him trouble and it caused a landslide for me. The landslide was not caused by his interest in other women, but because we started drifting apart and an increasing disharmony crept in our relationship. It was just if the left and right hand, eye, ear, foot began a life on their own. Before, we felt one with each other and with the world around us. Around the autumn holiday our relation slowly split in two. First we tried a love triangle. At that time the relations between men and women were already on drift for a while. The second women’s emancipation golf was in full swing in our environment – I think I was not easy at that time. From a love triangle we drifted to an intimate friendship for more than a year with a lot of talk about life and about ourselves and very occasionally we had intimacy. Halfway through my third year in Delft, a students’ psychologist said to me the honest and very painful words: “Wrong partner choice”. After this visit, I wished to shout over the canal: “The only true partner choice”. Now looking back – so true. After my great love, occasionally I had several vague relations that can be described with a line from a song by Joan Armatrading [6]: “I’m not in love, but I’m open for persuasion”.

Our friendship diluted, but my inner loss remained. The full moon of love that first shone from his face, had now passed in a new moon. It was painful to see him in Delft – I wasn’t kind anymore. I had no permission from the faculty of the University to pursue my study in a direction that I wished. In the next post more on this development.

In the last semester of my Bachelor I sat next to a charming middle-aged man during colleges philosophy. Since some time he was a senior scientific researcher in architecture, but soon he would start helping his godmother on the farm about ten kilometres from my village. A number of times we had lunch together. I had told him my plans for the continuation of my study in Amsterdam. He arranged my first room in Amsterdam with friends of him. Occasionally I visited him in South Limburg when I was at my parents. I helped a little on the farm and we ate together.


[1] Source image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delft

[2] See also: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waag_(Delft)

[3] Source image: http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amour

[4] See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm

[5] Source image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delft

[6] See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joan_Armatrading

Man Leben – interview 3


The previous interview is about your move from South Limburg to Rotterdam. This interview includes several questions about love.

“In the description of your life, you mention that there have always been women in your life. Your mother, your godmother and your aunt have a clear role as caregivers and educators. My place as companion during our Odyssey does not raise questions for me. I find it striking that from your 10th year until recently, there have been nearly always loves and lovers in your life. I started around my 18th year with a vague love. From my 19th until my 20th year I have known my love of my life – the man in my life. Then I have had feelings of companionship with men and men were in love with me, but I have never had real loves and lovers in my life again: I was never open to love after the love of my life. In the description of my life I will give more details. How did you deal with these changing loves?”, I ask.

“If I might choose, than I would prefer to remain with my first love during my entire life; the love that I’ve felt as an intense glow on my 10th year.

[1]

With her I would like to marry on my 18th and grow old. This was not possible for several reasons: I moved to Holland and I was not really at home in Limburg. And later – when I was able to have contact with her – her life had taken another turn by an engagement with a nice and caring man. They still have a happy marriage, have many children and grandchildren and become old and happy. I have often met her: she has never been aware of this blinding love in my young years. Now, when I look back, I see that my love is always directed at one woman: one woman in different manifestations. Of course all loves have been different, but there was always one constant, the constant of intensity and intimacy in diversion. The feelings of intensity and intimacy for all my beloved did change in the course of the time, but it never disappeared. Maybe you and I have here one point in common; your love of your life – the man in your life – is one man of all men. My loved ones are one woman in different forms”, you say.

“I will reconsider this resemblance. How did you experience the finiteness of the seperate loves”, I ask.

“The women in my life have always treated me well. I have also tried to treat them well. With my wife I was not successful; I am still regretful and shameful about this inability: I should have known better. Also two separate relationships with German loves ended resolute and abrupt; they probably had in mind: finished is finished – no more fuzz. If the ways between my loves and I began to separate, than I always left the decision of the separation to my beloved. I think I have unconsciously felt that the ending of a relationship is easier for the loved one who starts the separation. By my life I’m probably better equipped for painful separations. When possible I keep in touch with my former loved ones. Sometimes only through letters and Christmas cards, with others I have stayed or travelled together”, you say.

“I think the separation with your wife seems more a separation of a way of life than a separation between two lovers”, I say.

“You may be right. In the area of intimacy and love we drifted apart due to all kinds of reasons and circumstances. Then the time of our free [2] marriage did start. This other way of our marriage has increased the difference between us: my wife flourished and she wished to start her own lives with her new lover. This last development I have noticed too late. Too long I tried to maintain a family house. The sale of our house and the separation of our possessions – including the small capital for our children – marked the end of an era: a goodbye to a reality that already a long time ago had changed in an unsustainable illusion. With the settlement of our marriage and possessions, I operated fare too one-sided and rigorous. I made nobody happy; my wife and children are completely estranged from me”, you say.

“The end of the love of my life was impossible for me and it was a painful process. In the description of my life I will give more details. I find your poem about the “petite mort” in the post “Love” quite nicely. In the love of my live I also experienced the all-encompassiveness of the small death.

[3]

How did your life go further after the great death of your beloved companion?”, I ask.

“Her family and friends have seen me partly as an intruder. I can understand this, because in addition to a small apartment in Amsterdam, many books and a state pension – for me a great possession – I have no other possessions. She had significantly more possessions. The family and friends have insisted to arrange the funeral and the further settlement. I have kept in the background. From the legacy, I have received several books. In a recent book, she has underlined a passage on love: “The biggest mystery are you yourself”. After her death I moved on with the feeling that I was ripped in half – invisible filmy in half – straight through my heart. Everything was cold, endless and painful. The third surprise of simplicity gave me a new balance”, you say.

In the next post I will continue with several questions about your simplicity.


[1] Source image: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bestand:HaloIJsselmeer2.jpg

[2] The verb root “Vraj” means in Sanskrit “go, walk”. Source: Egenes, Thomas, Introduction to Sanskrit – Part Two. Delhi: Motilal Banarsidass Publishers, 2005 p. 395. According to the electronic version of the dictionary Monier-Williams – MWDDS V1.5 Beta, “Vraj” also has the meaning “to go to (a woman)” and “have sexual intercourse with”.

[3] Source image: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasmus

Man Leben – love


Liebe muß man leben, sie wächst und sie kann auch wieder vergehen

Love one must live, she grows and she may also perish again

You continue the story of your life:

“After my journey to Auschwitz in the beginning of the autumn in 1993, there are three surprises in my life. The first surprise is working in a design office to introduce a modular industrial way of building. This work is unexpectedly successful.

The second surprise is completely unexpected. I have previously told that I have suddenly fallen in love at the age of ten on a girl in the village in South Limburg. It seemed that lightning struck, so fierce and unexpected; I only saw a white glow. In grammar school I have fallen in love several times. Nobody has ever known of this love. After my studies I have met my wife through my work on the architectural office. The first time I saw her in a white charming glow. We have had a happy time until our roads slowly split. The divorce was not easy; I should have shown more wisdom and compassion. At the end of our marriage until the start of my trip to Auschwitz, there have ever been women in my life, but always at a certain distance.

After Auschwitz, love has adopted the form of compassion and sympathy in my life. These feelings are expressed in the poem “Bani Adam” or “Opening of all Gates“, which is composed about 700 years ago by Abū Muṣliḥ al-Dīn Muḥammad bin Abdallāh Shīrāzī-– better known by his pen name Saʿdī  (or Saadi):

“The children of Adam are limbs of one body

Having been created of one essence.

When the calamity of time afflicts one limb

The other limbs cannot remain at rest.

If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others

You are not worthy to be called by the name of “Man (or Woman) [1]

 This poem is addressed to me personally; I wear the name Man.

[2]

Not so long ago, I read that an old zen master once said: “If there would be no suffering and no sentient people, then there would be no finger, no eye, no ear, no hand. Everywhere and One would be empty and deep, deep. There would be no loss and no gain” [3]. These sentences also express my form of love at that time. Buddhism has the word “Karuṇa” which means in Sanskrit compassion. The word Karuṇa is associated with wisdom. [4]

In the summer of 2003 I turned my head and I saw her face full of furrows of life, bottomless eyes, wrinkled hands. As companions we have admired each wrinkle and scar of our life. Later I have written the following short poem:

Your eyes bottomless

Together in eternity

Tender little death

Two years later we met Her big death. The following message more about the third surprise – simplicity – in my life”, you say.

The following post is about the third surprise in your life


[1] See amongst others: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love en http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saadi_(poet)

[2] The tomb of Saʿdī in Shiraz, Iran. Source image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saadi_(poet)

[3] Source: Wick, Gerry Shishin, The Book of Equanimity – Illuminating Classic Zen Koans. Somerville MA: Wisdom Publications, 2005 p. 170

[4] Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love