Man Leben – interview 3


The previous interview is about your move from South Limburg to Rotterdam. This interview includes several questions about love.

“In the description of your life, you mention that there have always been women in your life. Your mother, your godmother and your aunt have a clear role as caregivers and educators. My place as companion during our Odyssey does not raise questions for me. I find it striking that from your 10th year until recently, there have been nearly always loves and lovers in your life. I started around my 18th year with a vague love. From my 19th until my 20th year I have known my love of my life – the man in my life. Then I have had feelings of companionship with men and men were in love with me, but I have never had real loves and lovers in my life again: I was never open to love after the love of my life. In the description of my life I will give more details. How did you deal with these changing loves?”, I ask.

“If I might choose, than I would prefer to remain with my first love during my entire life; the love that I’ve felt as an intense glow on my 10th year.

[1]

With her I would like to marry on my 18th and grow old. This was not possible for several reasons: I moved to Holland and I was not really at home in Limburg. And later – when I was able to have contact with her – her life had taken another turn by an engagement with a nice and caring man. They still have a happy marriage, have many children and grandchildren and become old and happy. I have often met her: she has never been aware of this blinding love in my young years. Now, when I look back, I see that my love is always directed at one woman: one woman in different manifestations. Of course all loves have been different, but there was always one constant, the constant of intensity and intimacy in diversion. The feelings of intensity and intimacy for all my beloved did change in the course of the time, but it never disappeared. Maybe you and I have here one point in common; your love of your life – the man in your life – is one man of all men. My loved ones are one woman in different forms”, you say.

“I will reconsider this resemblance. How did you experience the finiteness of the seperate loves”, I ask.

“The women in my life have always treated me well. I have also tried to treat them well. With my wife I was not successful; I am still regretful and shameful about this inability: I should have known better. Also two separate relationships with German loves ended resolute and abrupt; they probably had in mind: finished is finished – no more fuzz. If the ways between my loves and I began to separate, than I always left the decision of the separation to my beloved. I think I have unconsciously felt that the ending of a relationship is easier for the loved one who starts the separation. By my life I’m probably better equipped for painful separations. When possible I keep in touch with my former loved ones. Sometimes only through letters and Christmas cards, with others I have stayed or travelled together”, you say.

“I think the separation with your wife seems more a separation of a way of life than a separation between two lovers”, I say.

“You may be right. In the area of intimacy and love we drifted apart due to all kinds of reasons and circumstances. Then the time of our free [2] marriage did start. This other way of our marriage has increased the difference between us: my wife flourished and she wished to start her own lives with her new lover. This last development I have noticed too late. Too long I tried to maintain a family house. The sale of our house and the separation of our possessions – including the small capital for our children – marked the end of an era: a goodbye to a reality that already a long time ago had changed in an unsustainable illusion. With the settlement of our marriage and possessions, I operated fare too one-sided and rigorous. I made nobody happy; my wife and children are completely estranged from me”, you say.

“The end of the love of my life was impossible for me and it was a painful process. In the description of my life I will give more details. I find your poem about the “petite mort” in the post “Love” quite nicely. In the love of my live I also experienced the all-encompassiveness of the small death.

[3]

How did your life go further after the great death of your beloved companion?”, I ask.

“Her family and friends have seen me partly as an intruder. I can understand this, because in addition to a small apartment in Amsterdam, many books and a state pension – for me a great possession – I have no other possessions. She had significantly more possessions. The family and friends have insisted to arrange the funeral and the further settlement. I have kept in the background. From the legacy, I have received several books. In a recent book, she has underlined a passage on love: “The biggest mystery are you yourself”. After her death I moved on with the feeling that I was ripped in half – invisible filmy in half – straight through my heart. Everything was cold, endless and painful. The third surprise of simplicity gave me a new balance”, you say.

In the next post I will continue with several questions about your simplicity.


[1] Source image: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bestand:HaloIJsselmeer2.jpg

[2] The verb root “Vraj” means in Sanskrit “go, walk”. Source: Egenes, Thomas, Introduction to Sanskrit – Part Two. Delhi: Motilal Banarsidass Publishers, 2005 p. 395. According to the electronic version of the dictionary Monier-Williams – MWDDS V1.5 Beta, “Vraj” also has the meaning “to go to (a woman)” and “have sexual intercourse with”.

[3] Source image: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasmus

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